IN THE MOOD MONDAY: Why Professional Surfers Don’t Have SEX on Mondays

by Peter Bowes

Preamble: The following and subjugated dissertation is an informal introduction to a timely doctoral thesis that will in time lay bare the psychosis that currently cripples the regenerative drive of the majority of current professional surfers and denies them the few simple pleasures of life that we take for granted.




Mondays; the twenty-four hours from Monday dawn to Tuesday dawn, and that for this exercise will be called the Kelly Slater Episodic (KSE), is a fine example of the driving sources of a reductive sexual drive.



For the professional surfer Mondays are times of personal rehabilitation and personal grooming – particularly after a torrid weekend of camera work.

There is major repair work to be considered for the eyes and lips – uneven tan lines need compensating and the general musculature may need deep manipulation. Noses may need setting, and burst eardrums – rupture of the Tympanic membrane – may require myringoplasty.



In the more destructive cases of unwarranted and poor choice of wave selections personal trainers may need immediate scheduling and deep technical regenerative sessions may also be required where instances of failed technique become obvious through multiple viewings of the previous day’s performance.



Clothing reviews are also best completed early in the week as any substantive changes to the current KS retail line will need at least twenty-four hours lead time for the Chinese factories to deliver to the chains by the following Friday.



Media performance retains a high priority at all times, particularly if the reviews in question involve an expertise in the local dialects. No sense in talking Californian to an Australian interviewer. No sense talking to the Japanese in any language.



Professional and Media managers are to be given all hours access to the performer and their detailed written reports, double-spaced, are expected by the review committee within daylight hours, sameday. The vehicle (KS) that conveys this industry to its weekly targets is expected to remain compliant and receptive until all determinations are made.



Individualism, personal comment, personal opinion, gut feels and this can’t be bloody right emotions are to be handled by the on call medical team.



One Rastovich is more than enough.



This agenda cannot be varied, professional obligations preclude personal needs, and exhaustion is the best inhibitor.