IN THE MOOD MONDAY: A Girl’s Guide to Sex on Spring Break

by Matt Meltzer

     If you are female, and heading to Spring Break, your main objective may not be to get laid. This is especially true if you are coming to our little corner of the United States (or so they tell me it is) called South Beach. We are famous for having world-class dance clubs, and lord knows if there is one thing girls love to do it is dance. Alone. Or with friends. But somehow never with us. And don’t worry I have advised the boys to leave you alone while on the dance floor.

     But some of you see this as an opportunity to have all the random sex you wanted to have back at school but were to afraid to pursue. And you know it won’t be too tough to accomplish. But as simple as it is for a girl to get laid on Spring Break, there are many issues to consider. Now I have no first had knowledge of this, but what I can tell you is what girls have told me and you may find it surprisingly useful.

IF HE CAN NAME ALL THE CHARACTERS ON “FACTS OF LIFE,” RUN

      As a female on Spring Break it is not so much an issue of if you can find someone who wants to sleep with you, it is more an issue of you finding someone suitable. There are a lot of boys out there, and if you are cute (which I’m sure you are all convinced you are) finding a guy to have sex with is easier than getting a drink at most bars. But who to choose and who to avoid?

      The absolute worst guy you want to go home with is anyone over the age of 25. They may say they are in grad school or law school or med school or something that sounds equally impressive to girls their age, but most of these guys are nasty locals who make a sexual career out of sleeping with tourists. I know, because I am one. This set is an interesting crowd because they will try to convince you they are older and wiser and somehow a better bet for you and your sorority sisters to come out with, but don’t be fooled - they may be good for a few drinks because it doesn’t take much flirting to boost their aging egos, and they have the disposable income most college students don’t - but you’ll come out ahead sticking to the college guys. They are much less work and you always know what you’re getting. No matter how hard older guys try to convince you, they have lost the necessary stamina for the true 7 day drinking binge, and at least with the college guys you don’t have to worry about making unnecessary conversation about your plans after graduation.

     The other downside to older guys, especially ones who live in Miami, is that if they are sleeping with you, they have probably done this with a lot of other tourists. This week. And condoms are by no means a common practice. Remember, Miami locals are not only sleeping with American tourists, but Columbian, Brazilian, Swedish and British tourists as well. So it is really a world of STD’s you are opening yourself up to when going home with a local.

     The other downside to older guys, especially ones who live in Miami, is that if they are sleeping with you, they have probably done this with a lot of other tourists. This week. And condoms are by no means a common practice. Remember, Miami locals are not only sleeping with American tourists, but Columbian, Brazilian, Swedish and British tourists as well. So it is really a world of STD’s you are opening yourself up to when going home with a local.

     Guys in striped dress shirts who drink Jaeger Bombs and Vodka-Red Bulls all night are not going to be too concerned with giving you a good time, and may be too coked up to perform by the end of the night anyway. And guys in basketball jerseys are, well, guys in basketball jerseys. The best guys to hook up with are the laid back guys who are going out to drink and, if the night goes right, find a nice girl to take home. Or, if the night goes really right, a nasty one.

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